#1. Goals

I love the quote: “What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals.” Not sure who said it but it had me at “goals.” It is a time for change.  For a new road. I’m pretty sure there will be detours. This is my journey.

People go through far more difficult transformations, life-changing events, and periods of time that seem to matter in the big picture of life.  Mine can be deemed trite.  But I don’t want to judge it.  I just want to meet it, embrace it, and reflect on why it is happening FOR me.

In December 2017, I weighed myself at someone’s house. I won’t say the number that came up on the scale because my December 2017 weight may be another person’s goal. And to compare is to despair. But many of us have been there. We’ve seen something about ourselves that we didn’t like. For me, it was that number on the scale, the most I’d ever weighed. It just crept up.  5 lbs, 10 lbs, 20 lbs over the weight I knew and loved. A cupcake here, a couple of pieces of candy there, a second helping of macaroni somewhere else, the hard rolls,  the wine, the late night munchies, all of it. And over time, I found myself wearing over-sized hoodies, sweaters that covered my back side, and the jeans that had always been too big. Now, I could barely zip those jeans. I. Didn’t. Like it.

I knew it would be so much harder than ever to lose that gain, as I’d never been able to successfully reach such goals. But I decided that I would try. Again. And this time, I had no idea that it would lead me down such an unfamiliar path.

It began with some cycling classes that kicked my ass into the ground. I was sure after the first class that I needed an ambulance and a stretcher after the second class. Eventually, I left the class in a bit of shock but upright and soaked with sweat. I mean, the kind that you can wring out into the sink. I’d NEVER sweat like that, so I just kept going back. It was an addiction almost. I worked 5 jobs plus per session hours alongside my full-time teaching job just so I could afford the 3 or 4 classes a week. I think the mortgage payments were a challenge a couple of times, contemplating the price of the classes vs. the needed funds for bills. Clients in the classes were known to take it 2, 3, 4, and 5 times a day! When I’d reached my 100th class, I was reminded that those incredible athletes doing all of the moves to the nth degree had taken these classes 2000 times. Oye!  But I didn’t care. Because by then, I’d started running.  Me? A runner? There was a time that I couldn’t run my way out of a paper bag and suddenly I’m at 6 miles. I also lost 25 lbs, healed from a very painful hernia surgery, and ran my first half marathon.  While this was the first race I’d ever registered for, the race to better health was beyond anything I’d imagined possible.

It’s amazing the things you can do when you actually believe it.

How did I push past that 25 lb. reminder under my skin? All I can say is that I changed my body which changed my mind and that changed the way I moved forward. I began thinking that I could do anything. And this was not the me I had always known! I once tended to put the brakes on everything possible.  I never took part in athletics, and I shot down my own potential with negative words.  But over the months from late January to October, I became almost unrecognizable, particularly in stamina and will.

There was the good, the bad, and of course the ugly. The ones who said things like, I took it too far. I’m too skinny. Why do I spend so much money? I’m an addict. I have an unhealthy relationship with fitness. Get over it. What are you trying to prove? Do I even EAT?

The thing of it is, I didn’t do any of this for accolades. I did it because I wanted to change. I wanted to fit into my clothes. I didn’t want to be lying in a bed someday, waiting to die, riddled with the results of neglected self-care. I did it for me, because I believe that when I am my best self, I am better for others, for my family, my friends, my students. I did it not knowing the journey would lead me here.

Ironically, at this writing. I have never spoken to the some of the people who have influenced me the most on this journey, not about my unprecedented change nor anything else for that matter. I’m invisible to them. But it really is okay. I just keep following their example and using it to grow. I talk with my friends who run and inspire me, I follow online fitness experts and most of all, I stay open to the possibilities of what may happen next.

I know it gets annoying to be around passionate people when you’re not passionate about the same things, or worse, when you’re not passionate about anything in particular at the moment. I was there, many times, and in many different scenarios. All I can say is that I’ve stopped making excuses. I’ve stopped caring about what others think. In fact, I get annoyed with negativity and turn away from it.  Instead, I’ve started saying, “Thank you!” “I’m grateful.” “I’ve got this.” Now, I get out of  bed, often at 4:15 in the morning, change into my clothes, eat some food, load up my playlist and head out for a run or class. I do this in the worst of NYC heat waves, in the snow, in the winter rain, pulling my dog along if I’m running. I just freaking do it. No excuses. I don’t want to be 6 inches from being 6 feet under. I want to live my best life. And this process has helped me do it.

It only takes one person to prove that something can be done. This is nothing new. Millions before me have accomplished far more.

If I could change, anyone who wants to, can.